Dear Shorter People

I'm a "big" girl...vertically speaking that is! Before you ask, I'm six feet tall, not 50...but I might as well be with all the rude stares and inappropriate comments I get on a daily basis as a result of being sooooo tall. For some reason being a tall girl seems to fascinate the masses and no one thinks twice before asking me one of the standard..."you sure are tall, aren't ya?" questions. For the record, yes, I'm painfully aware of how tall I am and you pointing it out to me is not really helpful and just makes me feel like even more of a freak! So, let me just take this opportunity to cover those top questions here and now and never speak of them again, okay?

1. How tall are you?: I'm six feet tall exactly.
2. Nuh uh, you're taller than that 'cause I'm six foot two! (Always the first response made by men.): Yes, in fact, I'm exactly six feet tall, really, doctors have verified it...so, the real truth is you're only five foot nine, so stop trying to make yourself feel bigger by making me even taller!
3. Wow, I didn't think you were THAT tall! (Always the first response made by women.): Yes, I'm THAT tall...why ask me if you think I'm going to lie to you? And making me feel like a freak by accentuating THAT is rude, so stop it! I wouldn't say to you...wow, I didn't think you were THAT fat...so don't say it to me.
4. Do you play basketball (volleyball)?: No, I play miniature golf...usually my first response when I want a laugh. But seriously, why would you ever ask me this? It's like asking all black people if they run track, or middle-aged white guys if they play golf, or short skinny guys if they're jockeys...you're stereotyping and that's wrong! For the record, no, I hate sports, so I don't play basketball, volleyball, football, or engage in any other activity that requires keeping score.
5. Where do you buy pants?: In a store! Granted, it's a specialty store and I have a really difficult time finding pants that are long enough, but why is this any of your business anyway?
6. How tall is your husband?: It doesn't matter how tall he is when we're laying down...doh! I love this question because my husband is in fact two inches shorter than me and it's never been a problem for him (part of the reason why I love him), so why is this of such interest to you?
7. Do you belong to the tall club?: No, it's funny how I'm actually able to speak the same language as short, fat, stupid, and ugly people...so I don't need to go to a special club!
8. Are your parents tall?: Again, does it really matter...all I want to do is buy this tube of toothpaste lady, so what's with all the biology questions?
9. What size shoes do you wear?: The big kind, size 12 if you really must know. I'd pretty much fall over if I didn't have large feet, so get over it. Oh, and yes, I do wear heals...you're the one who seems to have a problem with that, not me!
10. Mommy, she's soooo big!: A child actually said this to me in her "outside" voice in the middle of a grocery store...seriously people, keep your kids away from me before I step on them with my size 12 shoes!!!

Dear More Funner People

And now for something I didn't know...the use of funner and funnest is a generational thing and I do not belong to this funner/funnest generation, but I may be willing to be flexible on this one. The word "fun" has always been and always will be a noun, but since the 1970s it has been increasingly used and accepted as an adjective and, therefore; its comparative and superlative forms have transitioned from "more fun" to "funner" and "most fun" to "funnest". While funner and funnest still sound ridiculous to my pre-1970s language-learning ear, I can accept this change in an informal sense since it follows standardized grammatical structure for adjectives...but just this once! See, I'm more funner than you thought!

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/is-funnest-a-word.aspx

Dear Careless People

If you have no interest whatsoever in something, the correct phrase to use is...I COULDN'T care less. When people say...I COULD care less, what they're actually saying is that they do indeed care a little bit because they still COULD care even less than they do now. It's nonsensical and illogical. Some have tried to say the latter phrase is more ironic, but they're idiots and I COULDN'T care less about their opinions!

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/care.html

Dear Irregardless Idiots

Let's talk about irregardless. The proper word is regardless. The prefix "ir" and the suffix "less" make it a double negative, which is incorrect and redundant. However, irregardless is listed in many dictionaries, but as a nonstandard or erroneous word and regardless is always suggested instead. What this boils down to is stupid people have incorrectly used this word so much that it is semi-accepted now. If we all started saying that two plus two equaled five, would it eventually become commonly accepted as fact? I think not. So, please stop saying irregardless because for those of us who know better, you sound like an idiot!

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/irregardless.aspx

Dear Julie Chen

For those of you who watch Big Brother...succubus is a perfectly fine word to use on national television when referring to that nasty evil bitch Britney. Don't listen to Julie Chen, she's clearly an idiot! I'm sure the ex-wife of Les Moonves knows the meaning of succubus since she probably refers to Julie as such after she stole her husband from her! Don't get me wrong, I actually like Julie Chen, but she says some pretty stupid things sometimes on live television. I guess when you're married to the boss, it doesn't really matter how stupid you sound though.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/succubus

Dear Michael Kors

When someone changes their mind or way of doing something they are doing a "one-eighty" because they are going in the opposite direction. To say you did a "three-sixty" would mean you went back to where you started. Remember: a full circle is 360 degrees, so half a circle is 180 degrees. It's really not that complicated. So, Michael Kors on Project Runway, telling the designer they did a three-sixty was really an insult because it meant that they hadn't changed at all!

http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/ask-teacher/53715-do-one-eighty.html

Dear Parking Lot People

First of all, why do you feel the need to drop people off at the entrance of the grocery store or at the mall? You're going to be walking the length of a football field and back while inside the store, so that extra fifty feet from the parking space to the front of the store doesn't really matter, now does it? You could probably stand to lose some weight anyway! Even when it's raining out, you knew it was raining when you left the house to go to the store, so bring a fucking umbrella with you! If you don't have an umbrella...buy one inside the store, it'll come in handy the next time you're shopping when it's raining outside! But when you do insist on stopping to drop someone off at the entrance of the store, would it kill you to use a turn signal or your hazards to let me know that you're about to slam on your brakes and that small children or old ladies are going to be jumping out of the back seat right in front of my moving vehicle??? And don't give me that look when I'm driving past you giving you my look...you're the jackass not me, you're the one who gets a look, so don't you dare give me a look when it's you who deserves a look!

Second of all, when you're in a parking lot, don't stand right behind my car in my blind-spot while I'm trying to back out of my space in order to get out of the way of the guy who is sitting there blocking the lane waiting for my space (most likely the guy who just dropped people off at the front)! I'm talking to you old lady who I almost ran over with my SUV because you were standing right behind me in my blind spot not paying attention to your surroundings even though you clearly must have seen me get in the car, heard me turn on the engine, and watched me start slowly backing out of the space...because you were standing right behind me! And then you had the nerve to start yelling at me and giving me a look when you're the one who was in my way and I should have been yelling at you and giving you a look! Here's a simple rule: parking lots are filled with cars, cars run over people, so people should watch out for cars in parking lots and get the hell out of the way. Hey, I don't make the rules people, I just follow them. This is why I always look for a good pull-through spot because people in parking lots are just plain stupid!

I probably shouldn't leave the house.

Thank you.

Dear Grocery Aisle Hogs

Get the hell out of my way! Grocery store aisles are supposed to be treated the same as street lanes, slower traffic to the right (unless you're in Australia or England, then you figure it out). Aisles are made just big enough for one lane of traffic to travel up and one lane of traffic to travel down...what is so difficult to understand about this basic system of our society?

Today, I encountered a woman who was shopping with her three children, one of them walking and two of them sitting inside that giant race car shaped monstrosity that most grocery stores have today (what's up with that, it's not a carnival, it's a store). Every time I went down an aisle, there she was either cutting me off at the pass while struggling to make the 90 degree turn into the aisle with that Volkswagen-size shopping cart or parked in the middle of the aisle all the way across so that no one could pass. When I tried to pass by, slowly inching my way towards her location, she just stood there looking at the shelves acting like she didn't see me. I know you see me people, it's brightly lit in there, and when you pretend like I don't exist it just makes me want to ram you with my cart even more!

And then there's the woman who did see me standing there on the right side of the aisle like a good little shopper, quietly perusing the soup selection...yet she decides to stop her cart right between me and the soup that I'm obviously looking at intensely. Hello, I'm standing right here, trying to decide between the three for two dollars cream of mushroom and the ten for a buck Ramen, not stopping to enjoy the ambiance...so get the hell out of my way before I beat you with a giant can of Progresso Rich and Hearty! Of course, the woman who did this today was some old lady, so I just smiled and let her move on unscathed...but the next old lady might not be so lucky!

Let's recap: Stay to the right, don't block the lanes, and don't stand between a shopper and her soup!

Thank you.

Dear Jackass Ebay Buyer

Some jackass just left me negative feedback on an item I sold him on Ebay because HE got confused and didn't know what the hell he was bidding on! Actually, to be more accurate, this jackass originally left me positive feedback and then a week later changed it to negative feedback stating..."Should have been more clear about product being sold." What the fuck??? Okay, here's exactly what my ad said, which was also accompanied by a very large and clear picture of the actual item:

You are bidding on one new Moleskine Squared Notebook (#8883707184) with a soft cover that is still sealed in its original plastic. Moleskine, the legendary notebook of Hemingway, Picasso, and Chatwin are the most desired notebooks in the world. This notebook features 192 squared pages, is 5" x 8.25" in size, made of acid-free paper, has an expandable inner pocket, a fabric bookmark, and an elastic strap to keep the notebook closed. These are super great notebooks that have millions of uses and can fit just about anywhere. Happy bidding!

How in the HELL is that unclear??? I have the exact dimensions, the exact number of pages, a very complete and accurate description of the item, and even included the SKU number which can easily be looked up to find out even more fascinating facts about this exact notebook. So again, what the fuck??? Should I have described how the touch of the cover was like soft velvety leather made from the skins of baby calves who were only fed organic wheat? Should I have noted that each delicate page of the notebook sounds like angels singing whenever turned, just like was heard by Hemingway and Picasso? Perhaps I should have mentioned that ten blind virgins delicately hand-stitched the binding while repeating the Lord's Prayer! Of course, I couldn't have done any of that since it was brand new and sealed in plastic! What in the hell does this guy want from me...it's a notebook for god's sake, not a priceless painting!!! My ad could have said...it's got pages and a cover...and that would have been a completely accurate description and no one would have been confused!!!

If you've ever sold anything on Ebay, you know how important positive feedback is to your success on that site. For someone to leave negative feedback without even trying to contact me first in order to give me the opportunity to make it right is like a suicide bomber going into a pet store and blowing up dozens of innocent and adorable puppies...it's just not done and it's just not right!

So, in the future, please make sure you only bid on an item that you actually want and that you fully understand the description or have looked very, very closely at the picture of said item. It's not my fault that you're too stupid to know what you're bidding on, so don't make me pay the price with a negative feedback score because you're an idiot!

Thank you.

Addendum: I made this guy feel like such a complete idiot for his obvious mistake in reading the ad properly that he actually changed his negative feedback to positive feedback! See, public humiliation works people! Oh, success, you are so sweet!!!

Dear Landscaping Asshole

When I asked you to give me a quote for bi-weekly lawn mowing services and you told me $60, even though your flier clearly said it would only be $55, I went ahead and hired you anyway because it seemed reasonable.

A few weeks later, when I asked you to start coming weekly and you quoted me $110 rather than the $100 you had originally quoted me, I didn't really mind that either because it was still a reasonable rate.

However, when I asked you to give me a quote to trim the bushes and you told me $45, but after it took you much longer than you had anticipated and you asked me to give you more money AFTER you had already done the work...that kind of pissed me off!

And the way you did it was weird and uncomfortable...I went out to pay you (and was actually going to give you a tip because it did look really hard and I was feeling sort of guilty) and you immediately said to me...can you give me more money? I didn't know what to say, so I just asked...how much do you want? And you said...well, how much do you want to give me? Uhhhhhh, I want to give you the $45 you quoted me for the job!!! How about that???

In the end, I gave you $60 (the amount I was planning on giving you anyway with the tip) and you actually had the nerve to huff and roll your eyes and act like I had insulted you by giving you only $15 more...what the hell was that all about???!!! That really pushed me over the edge and I could barely see straight, but I was so shocked that I just walked away and yelled at my husband about it! Plus, you didn't even trim all of the bushes...what the fuck???

Anyway, you're an idiot, I hate you, I hope you go out of business because you're a stupid-head who has poor business practices, and I will not be having you back next year because you're a greedy little asshole who doesn't know how to charge properly for your own services . Good day, I said good day sir!

Thank you.

Dear Pregnant Teenagers

How is it even remotely possible in the year 2010 with all the tv and texting and internet and newspapers and magazines and books and tweeting and blogging that you didn't know that if you have sex without a condom or the dozen other methods of birth control that you would get pregnant? How is this possible? While watching a "16 & Pregnant" marathon this weekend, I was baffled by how stupid teenage girls AND boys still are today when it comes to a pretty simple concept...sex equals babies. It's really that simple you know, sex's main function is to create babies. Oh, I know, it's fun as hell, but the bottom line is that...sex equals babies. So girls, for the sake of all of us, please stop opening up your legs and start opening up your minds. Life really is much better once you have a degree and a house and a husband and a savings account and THEN a baby. Here's a tip: masturbation, it's safer, more satisfying, and one hundred percent baby-free!

Thank you.

Dear Hooters Waitresses

Okay, I get it, you're there to make money and flaunting your tits and ass in front of men is a great way to do that. I know, I was a cocktail waitress and a bartender and I understand how it works...tits and ass and a bubbly personality equal lots of cash tips. However, you need to learn how to work a table properly and know when your patrons are done hearing you drone on about how you're just working your way through college or whatever other stupid thing you're boring us with. It's one thing to be entertaining and quite another to be annoying.

Here's a tip, when the table is carrying on a conversation of its own and only stopping to tell you what kind of dipping sauce they want with their wings...walk away and just place the order because we're busy talking about something more important than whatever it is that you have to contribute. We don't want to hear how much you love Farmville on Facebook and we really don't care what your kid did the other day that was sooooo cute. Just get our fucking wings, refill our drinks, bring us the check, and we'll give you a decent tip anyway. Save your boring 24 year old chit-chat for those horny frat boys who will be coming in around 8 o'clock tonight and are only listening to your nonsense chitter-chatter because they want to get into your pants...oh wait, I take that back, they're not listening to you either, they're just looking at your hooters!

Thank you.

Dear Dog Owners

Why do you want me to kill your precious little pooch? What's that, you don't want me to kill your precious little pooch?! Well, then why do you let your precious little pooch run around the entire neighborhood without its leash on all day and all night? I love dogs and I have no interest in experiencing the horror of running one over with my car, but you seem to want me to experience that horror every time you let your dog out of your house without its leash on.

I can't tell you how many times I've been driving down the street and your precious little pooch comes running out in front of my car and you are nowhere to be found. Why do you do this? Would you let your child play on the freeway unattended? I'm guessing no. So why do you think it's okay to let your dog do the same?

I know you think your dog is like your child and it has the sense enough to know not to run in front of cars in the street, but that's not the case. Newsflash...dogs are stupid, even the really smart ones who do tricks and bring in the morning paper. They don't look both ways, they don't cross at the crosswalk, and they don't understand that a tire running over their head will kill them!

So please, dear dog owner, keep your dog on a leash when it's outside because I don't want to have to scrape it up off the road with a shovel in front of your children. Oh, and while I'm at it, don't tie your dog to a tree and leave it outside all alone either because that's animal abuse and I'll call animal control on your ass in a hot second if I see that as well!

Thank you.

Dear Christians

Yes, I've heard the good news about Jesus and no I don't want to make him my personal savior. Please stop asking me. Do you really think there is anyone left on the planet that hasn't heard your good news about Jesus? I think you need a new marketing strategy and slogan, might I suggest:

1. Jesus, it's not about loving everyone anymore.

2. I know you've heard of Jesus, but did you know he's hiring?

3. Jesus, now with a minty fresh scent.

4. Jesus died for your sins...so let's party!

5. The good news about Jesus is that he doesn't discriminate...unless you're gay!

Thank you.