Dear Landscaping Asshole

When I asked you to give me a quote for bi-weekly lawn mowing services and you told me $60, even though your flier clearly said it would only be $55, I went ahead and hired you anyway because it seemed reasonable.

A few weeks later, when I asked you to start coming weekly and you quoted me $110 rather than the $100 you had originally quoted me, I didn't really mind that either because it was still a reasonable rate.

However, when I asked you to give me a quote to trim the bushes and you told me $45, but after it took you much longer than you had anticipated and you asked me to give you more money AFTER you had already done the work...that kind of pissed me off!

And the way you did it was weird and uncomfortable...I went out to pay you (and was actually going to give you a tip because it did look really hard and I was feeling sort of guilty) and you immediately said to me...can you give me more money? I didn't know what to say, so I just asked...how much do you want? And you said...well, how much do you want to give me? Uhhhhhh, I want to give you the $45 you quoted me for the job!!! How about that???

In the end, I gave you $60 (the amount I was planning on giving you anyway with the tip) and you actually had the nerve to huff and roll your eyes and act like I had insulted you by giving you only $15 more...what the hell was that all about???!!! That really pushed me over the edge and I could barely see straight, but I was so shocked that I just walked away and yelled at my husband about it! Plus, you didn't even trim all of the bushes...what the fuck???

Anyway, you're an idiot, I hate you, I hope you go out of business because you're a stupid-head who has poor business practices, and I will not be having you back next year because you're a greedy little asshole who doesn't know how to charge properly for your own services . Good day, I said good day sir!

Thank you.

Dear Pregnant Teenagers

How is it even remotely possible in the year 2010 with all the tv and texting and internet and newspapers and magazines and books and tweeting and blogging that you didn't know that if you have sex without a condom or the dozen other methods of birth control that you would get pregnant? How is this possible? While watching a "16 & Pregnant" marathon this weekend, I was baffled by how stupid teenage girls AND boys still are today when it comes to a pretty simple concept...sex equals babies. It's really that simple you know, sex's main function is to create babies. Oh, I know, it's fun as hell, but the bottom line is that...sex equals babies. So girls, for the sake of all of us, please stop opening up your legs and start opening up your minds. Life really is much better once you have a degree and a house and a husband and a savings account and THEN a baby. Here's a tip: masturbation, it's safer, more satisfying, and one hundred percent baby-free!

Thank you.