Dear Shorter People

I'm a "big" girl...vertically speaking that is! Before you ask, I'm six feet tall, not 50...but I might as well be with all the rude stares and inappropriate comments I get on a daily basis as a result of being sooooo tall. For some reason being a tall girl seems to fascinate the masses and no one thinks twice before asking me one of the standard..."you sure are tall, aren't ya?" questions. For the record, yes, I'm painfully aware of how tall I am and you pointing it out to me is not really helpful and just makes me feel like even more of a freak! So, let me just take this opportunity to cover those top questions here and now and never speak of them again, okay?

  1. How tall are you?: I'm six feet tall exactly.
  2. Nuh uh, you're taller than that 'cause I'm six foot two! (Always the first response made by men.): Yes, in fact, I'm exactly six feet tall, really, doctors have verified, the real truth is you're only five foot nine, so stop trying to make yourself feel bigger by making me even taller!
  3. Wow, I didn't think you were THAT tall! (Always the first response made by women.): Yes, I'm THAT tall...why ask me if you think I'm going to lie to you? And making me feel like a freak by accentuating THAT is rude, so stop it! I wouldn't say to, I didn't think you were THAT don't say it to me.
  4. Do you play basketball (volleyball)?: No, I play miniature golf...usually my first response when I want a laugh. But seriously, why would you ever ask me this? It's like asking all black people if they run track, or middle-aged white guys if they play golf, or short skinny guys if they're're stereotyping and that's wrong! For the record, no, I hate sports, so I don't play basketball, volleyball, football, or engage in any other activity that requires keeping score.
  5. Where do you buy pants?: In a store! Granted, it's a specialty store and I have a really difficult time finding pants that are long enough, but why is this any of your business anyway?
  6. How tall is your husband?: It doesn't matter how tall he is when we're laying down...doh! I love this question because my husband is in fact two inches shorter than me and it's never been a problem for him (part of the reason why I love him), so why is this of such interest to you?
  7. Do you belong to the tall club?: No, it's funny how I'm actually able to speak the same language as short, fat, stupid, and ugly I don't need to go to a special club!
  8. Are your parents tall?: Again, does it really matter...all I want to do is buy this tube of toothpaste lady, so what's with all the biology questions?
  9. What size shoes do you wear?: The big kind, size 12 if you really must know. I'd pretty much fall over if I didn't have large feet, so get over it. Oh, and yes, I do wear're the one who seems to have a problem with that, not me!
  10. Mommy, she's soooo big!: A child actually said this to me in her "outside" voice in the middle of a grocery store...seriously people, keep your kids away from me before I step on them with my size 12 shoes!!!

Dear More Funner People

And now for something I didn't know...the use of funner and funnest is a generational thing and I do not belong to this funner/funnest generation, but I may be willing to be flexible on this one. The word "fun" has always been and always will be a noun, but since the 1970s it has been increasingly used and accepted as an adjective and, therefore; its comparative and superlative forms have transitioned from "more fun" to "funner" and "most fun" to "funnest". While funner and funnest still sound ridiculous to my pre-1970s language-learning ear, I can accept this change in an informal sense since it follows standardized grammatical structure for adjectives...but just this once! See, I'm more funner than you thought!

Dear Careless People

If you have no interest whatsoever in something, the correct phrase to use is...I COULDN'T care less. When people say...I COULD care less, what they're actually saying is that they do indeed care a little bit because they still COULD care even less than they do now. It's nonsensical and illogical. Some have tried to say the latter phrase is more ironic, but they're idiots and I COULDN'T care less about their opinions!

Dear Irregardless Idiots

Let's talk about irregardless. The proper word is regardless. The prefix "ir" and the suffix "less" make it a double negative, which is incorrect and redundant. However, irregardless is listed in many dictionaries, but as a nonstandard or erroneous word and regardless is always suggested instead. What this boils down to is stupid people have incorrectly used this word so much that it is semi-accepted now. If we all started saying that two plus two equaled five, would it eventually become commonly accepted as fact? I think not. So, please stop saying irregardless because for those of us who know better, you sound like an idiot!

Dear Julie Chen

For those of you who watch Big Brother...succubus is a perfectly fine word to use on national television when referring to that nasty evil bitch Britney. Don't listen to Julie Chen, she's clearly an idiot! I'm sure the ex-wife of Les Moonves knows the meaning of succubus since she probably refers to Julie as such after she stole her husband from her! Don't get me wrong, I actually like Julie Chen, but she says some pretty stupid things sometimes on live television. I guess when you're married to the boss, it doesn't really matter how stupid you sound though.