Dear Parking Lot People

First of all, why do you feel the need to drop people off at the entrance of the grocery store or at the mall? You're going to be walking the length of a football field and back while inside the store, so that extra fifty feet from the parking space to the front of the store doesn't really matter, now does it? You could probably stand to lose some weight anyway! Even when it's raining out, you knew it was raining when you left the house to go to the store, so bring a fucking umbrella with you! If you don't have an umbrella...buy one inside the store, it'll come in handy the next time you're shopping when it's raining outside! But when you do insist on stopping to drop someone off at the entrance of the store, would it kill you to use a turn signal or your hazards to let me know that you're about to slam on your brakes and that small children or old ladies are going to be jumping out of the back seat right in front of my moving vehicle??? And don't give me that look when I'm driving past you giving you my look...you're the jackass not me, you're the one who gets a look, so don't you dare give me a look when it's you who deserves a look!

Second of all, when you're in a parking lot, don't stand right behind my car in my blind-spot while I'm trying to back out of my space in order to get out of the way of the guy who is sitting there blocking the lane waiting for my space (most likely the guy who just dropped people off at the front)! I'm talking to you old lady who I almost ran over with my SUV because you were standing right behind me in my blind spot not paying attention to your surroundings even though you clearly must have seen me get in the car, heard me turn on the engine, and watched me start slowly backing out of the space...because you were standing right behind me! And then you had the nerve to start yelling at me and giving me a look when you're the one who was in my way and I should have been yelling at you and giving you a look! Here's a simple rule: parking lots are filled with cars, cars run over people, so people should watch out for cars in parking lots and get the hell out of the way. Hey, I don't make the rules people, I just follow them. This is why I always look for a good pull-through spot because people in parking lots are just plain stupid!

I probably shouldn't leave the house.

Thank you.

Dear Grocery Aisle Hogs

Get the hell out of my way! Grocery store aisles are supposed to be treated the same as street lanes, slower traffic to the right (unless you're in Australia or England, then you figure it out). Aisles are made just big enough for one lane of traffic to travel up and one lane of traffic to travel down...what is so difficult to understand about this basic system of our society?

Today, I encountered a woman who was shopping with her three children, one of them walking and two of them sitting inside that giant race car shaped monstrosity that most grocery stores have today (what's up with that, it's not a carnival, it's a store). Every time I went down an aisle, there she was either cutting me off at the pass while struggling to make the 90 degree turn into the aisle with that Volkswagen-size shopping cart or parked in the middle of the aisle all the way across so that no one could pass. When I tried to pass by, slowly inching my way towards her location, she just stood there looking at the shelves acting like she didn't see me. I know you see me people, it's brightly lit in there, and when you pretend like I don't exist it just makes me want to ram you with my cart even more!

And then there's the woman who did see me standing there on the right side of the aisle like a good little shopper, quietly perusing the soup selection...yet she decides to stop her cart right between me and the soup that I'm obviously looking at intensely. Hello, I'm standing right here, trying to decide between the three for two dollars cream of mushroom and the ten for a buck Ramen, not stopping to enjoy the ambiance...so get the hell out of my way before I beat you with a giant can of Progresso Rich and Hearty! Of course, the woman who did this today was some old lady, so I just smiled and let her move on unscathed...but the next old lady might not be so lucky!

Let's recap: Stay to the right, don't block the lanes, and don't stand between a shopper and her soup!

Thank you.

Dear Jackass Ebay Buyer

Some jackass just left me negative feedback on an item I sold him on Ebay because HE got confused and didn't know what the hell he was bidding on! Actually, to be more accurate, this jackass originally left me positive feedback and then a week later changed it to negative feedback stating..."Should have been more clear about product being sold." What the fuck??? Okay, here's exactly what my ad said, which was also accompanied by a very large and clear picture of the actual item:

You are bidding on one new Moleskine Squared Notebook (#8883707184) with a soft cover that is still sealed in its original plastic. Moleskine, the legendary notebook of Hemingway, Picasso, and Chatwin are the most desired notebooks in the world. This notebook features 192 squared pages, is 5" x 8.25" in size, made of acid-free paper, has an expandable inner pocket, a fabric bookmark, and an elastic strap to keep the notebook closed. These are super great notebooks that have millions of uses and can fit just about anywhere. Happy bidding!

How in the HELL is that unclear??? I have the exact dimensions, the exact number of pages, a very complete and accurate description of the item, and even included the SKU number which can easily be looked up to find out even more fascinating facts about this exact notebook. So again, what the fuck??? Should I have described how the touch of the cover was like soft velvety leather made from the skins of baby calves who were only fed organic wheat? Should I have noted that each delicate page of the notebook sounds like angels singing whenever turned, just like was heard by Hemingway and Picasso? Perhaps I should have mentioned that ten blind virgins delicately hand-stitched the binding while repeating the Lord's Prayer! Of course, I couldn't have done any of that since it was brand new and sealed in plastic! What in the hell does this guy want from me...it's a notebook for god's sake, not a priceless painting!!! My ad could have said...it's got pages and a cover...and that would have been a completely accurate description and no one would have been confused!!!

If you've ever sold anything on Ebay, you know how important positive feedback is to your success on that site. For someone to leave negative feedback without even trying to contact me first in order to give me the opportunity to make it right is like a suicide bomber going into a pet store and blowing up dozens of innocent and adorable puppies...it's just not done and it's just not right!

So, in the future, please make sure you only bid on an item that you actually want and that you fully understand the description or have looked very, very closely at the picture of said item. It's not my fault that you're too stupid to know what you're bidding on, so don't make me pay the price with a negative feedback score because you're an idiot!

Thank you.

Addendum: I made this guy feel like such a complete idiot for his obvious mistake in reading the ad properly that he actually changed his negative feedback to positive feedback! See, public humiliation works people! Oh, success, you are so sweet!!!